Heartbreak is a funny thing. It takes control of your entire life, whether you push through it and heal or put bandaids over it.
It has you starving yourself because you never have an appetite. It has you feeling like never getting out of bed. It has you going through every stage of losing someone. It has you feeling the sadness, the anger, then sadness again, then anger again, then hopefully acceptance and eventually healing. It has you feeling like a bad b who can't be messed with. It has you feeling pretty much everything.
Heartbreak isn't solely for romantic relationships either. All sorts of people break your heart for all sorts of reasons.
As for me and for today, I want to share my feelings on romantic heartbreaks.
I've been known to love people hard. I build them up and help them build the life of their dreams. I find that can also get me into sticky situations.
In my first relationship, I was OFTEN sacrificing my dreams and desires to make his come true. With that being said I got to experience amazing things and learn a lot but it definitely came to a breaking point. Everything imploded. I look back at that version of me and admire her resilience, truly. Although it bit me in the ass in the end, I can confidently say I gave it my everything, all that I had to give at the time.
I feel like it's worth mentioning that although the relationship didn't always end, my heart was broken quite a few times in this relationship. Lies. Broken trust. Broken promises. Rebuilding on shaky foundations. Why do we do that? We bandaid an issue to stay comfortable, but never really resolve these huge fundamental issues.
In heartbreak, you learn the hard lessons you kept putting off in the relationship. What you deserve, how to communicate, red flags, dealbreakers and so much more. Let's not forget the first heartbreak feels like a freight train ramming into your life and wrecking all your "plans". Years later I look back thankful for that freight train.
The next time around you hope you learned everything you needed and like yea now it's time to find forever.
Well, Mr. "Forever" comes along saying all the right things. The red flags just slipped through my fingers as I jumped at the chance to feel love again.
Might I add I told my mom maybe a week after my first breakup "I'm never falling in love ever again, I can't do this again." Crying in a freaking Red Robin with fries and a milkshake.
I was terrified and I took all the precautions I could but it just felt right. Mel and I just recently did a podcast on soulmates and I just really feel like he was one of my soulmates. The universe kept giving me signs to pursue this. Who knows the bigger plan or whatever the universe is trying to do but I had this "feeling". Despite all the things pushing me away I stayed, happily.
Well, this one had me heartbroken twice. Yup, I thought I learned it all but I let another man break my heart more than once.
Re-triggered. Re-traumatized. That gut-wrenching anger, fear, and anxiety. It lingers. It comes and goes.
Yet, it's a little easier to go through a second time because you know you can love again, one day at least.
Heartbreak is different each time I am learning. Depending on circumstances, reasons, and the entirety of the relationship. With each heartbreak, I reacted differently. As I said, they broke my heart more than once and each time was met with different reactions. In one scenario I was confused, in denial, and broken. In another, I was broken, pissed off, and done. Don't even get me started on the micro-heartbreaks that you tuck away for the sake of love and wanting to believe in them and your relationship.
All that being said, heartbreak isn't about who broke your heart. It's about how you move forward.
How you choose to heal. The idea that someone who broke my heart has power over me is quite literally debilitating. So instead, I am trying to focus on relearning who I am and who I want to be. What can I do to be a better partner, friend, and person? This time around I am focused on myself. Pouring all that energy I poured into someone else right into me.
Picking up a new hobby, or two. It's lonely sometimes but necessary. I don't need to have someone to text just to fill my thoughts and time to avoid the healing.
Now, this is the part of heartbreak that has me a little lost. What the hell is healing supposed to look like?
At least for me, it's being comfortable with being alone and accepting life will take me where I'm meant to go. I'm trying to do things like; picking up hobbies, therapy, journaling, healthy forms of expression, and genuine self-care. It's certainly not moving on to someone else to fill the void the last person left.
During my last breakup, I wanted to date and meet people and have a ton of fun, which I totally did. But deep down, I was seeking validation, acceptance, and love in places I couldn't give to myself.
I really don’t know how to be alone. I thought I did. I was comfortable because I knew someone was there for me in some vague way. Even when they left me feeling sad, misunderstood or just plain lonely. I was never really alone because I still "had" them.
Heartbreak reminds me of how fragile life is. How quickly the rug can be pulled from under you. How one day you might feel love again... and heartbreak.
Heartbreak is teaching me a lot so at the end of the day, I am grateful. Even for the hard moments or days.
Now I know I just went ON about heartbreak but I think one of these days I'll write about being in love. While my heart is broken and tender I can still appreciate all the love it once held for romantic partners. It's sort of a beautiful thing, this whole fucked up human experience of throwing yourself off the deep end to experience the world's greatest feelings and hoping for the best.
It doesn't always turn out the way you hope but it's always worth it. The beauty in the pain. Smiling and feeling pure joy when you're going through heartbreak reminds you of the light at the end. Feeling excited to do things you love.
The world is so much bigger than our broken hearts.
Also, I forgot to mention I have a little Spotify playlist for heartbreak. So if you need a good scream sing, or cry, give it a listen.