You know the feeling. The feeling of being lonely. It comes and it goes. Sometimes it sticks around for longer than you’d like.
In my experience loneliness has always been soooo….well isolating.
It's scary to think the feeling might last forever. What if I never find my person? What if I never figure out the things I like to do alone? What if all I do for the rest of my life is figure out what I can do to make money and be happy? That's really not the point of life, is it?
Well, this time around I’m seeing loneliness as liberating.
I’m choosing more time to be alone. To really sink into the feeling of loneliness.
Feeling lonely oddly gives you so much opportunity. The opportunity to heal, grow and rediscover you.
At the end of the day, I know I will always have my own love. Since I have the luxury of nurturing that love, I am taking full advantage.
Watching my favorite movies, my favorite mindless TV, and whatever the hell I want. No asking, well does this sound good to you? How about this or this or this?
Scream singing my favorite songs on my way to the beach.
Treating myself to coffee and a chocolate croissant on a Monday.
Staying home all day catching up on things that make me feel ready for the week ahead.
Working out every day, just because I have the time.
Picking up a weekday pottery class for fun.
There are so many small things that help me nurture self-love.
When will there be a time in my life again to live so selfishly?
BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
I used to think relationships were where I thrived. Now, I know that's not really the case.
I thought relationships helped me flourish. The reality was relationships helped me throw my light and love onto someone else. I also learned some very hard lessons about myself and love.
The chase is the best part. The teasing, the playful energy. Once that’s over and they “have me” I’m just an extension of them. Doing things for them. Going places with them. Just there. A nice thing to have.
A perk to their life, until I’m not. Until I ask for things in return. Suddenly I’m a burden, a nuisance. Even though I’ve given them all my love and then some. Asking for the bare minimum of love in return is just too much to ask. (from people who are incapable anyways)
With time and active healing I have realized, ya know what, my energy doesn't need to be used on people when it isn't reciprocated. That's all it is at the end of the day. I realized where my energy and love are appreciated.
BEING OPEN
With all that being said I think there is a fine balance of finding comfortability in being alone and saying yes to new things and being open to whatever life has to offer.
Giving myself this time to heal and be selfish will just help me pick the right people to share my energy and time with.
As a relationship girly with codependent tendencies, I have found this time to be a little confusing.
How vulnerable am I allowed to be with someone I don't necessarily want to be my forever partner?
I have always dated to find my "forever". Seeing as that hasn't worked out for me, I'm taking dating a whole lot slower.
I think it's okay to spend time with people I may not be trying to marry. I can acknowledge the things that may not make them the perfect partner for me and still enjoy date nights and intimate conversations. Maybe the end goal doesn't always have to be marriage but just getting to know someone new and experience new things.
I am looking at dating from a new lens. It may not neccesairly be the right one, as everyone has different peferences and goals. I used to be the "I date to marry girl" and here I am lol.
Being single doesn't have to mean being alone 24/7. I get to pick who I share my time with and what matters to me at this time in my life. Just because no one is my boyfriend doesn't mean I don't get to have deep connections with people I care about while maintaining my own firm boundaries.
I guess the key to dating during this phase of my life is remaining strong in my own boundaries and desires. Listening to what to feels good and what doesn't for me and no one else. While I am staying strong in my choice to be single and sink into the feeling of loneliness, I am allowed to still explore what else is out there, commitment-free. Woah, a crazy concept for me lol.
Excited for healing, growth, and most importantly saying yes to new things!
I am in my lonely girl era, and you know what, it feels fucking fantastic.